STUPID NEWS ALERT

I've been writing these spoof news articles for an Irish college website and magazine. Thought I'd rehash them again here on my blog. What? It's not lazy, it's efficient.

Health Alert! Curry Chips are F**king Deadly – Shitfaced Student Declares

Ossified first-year college student and curry chip connoisseur, known only to casual acquaintances as Stevo, announced Thursday night outside a popular chipper van that his late night refreshment was “the dog’s bollocks” and that he could die happy after having consumed them.

“These (curry chips) are fucking deadly! I’m telling ya, man! Deadly!” shouted the blood-shot-eyed, slack-jawed youth as half masticated morsels of curry sauce smothered chips spat from his mouth onto surprised bystanders.

“I could ate these bastards till I die! Curry chips are da fucking bomb!” he went on to say before collapsing into a nearby urine soaked doorway.

“Wha’ you looking at? Feck off!” the langered man continued as fellow first-year teaching student - but not a friend, relative or in any other way associated with the scuttered subject - Cormac O’Shea, tried to assist him from the doorway among the debris of empty take-away cartons still containing remnants of other patron’s battered sausage, chips and garlic-mayo dip.

“I’ve seen him eating curry chips loads of times here before,” explained O’Shea, who was quick to add that other than begrudgingly giving Stevo a smoke at the end of the night, had never actually spoke to or hung out with him - on or off campus. “He usually he just eats half of them, throws the rest at a passing Gardai car and then legs it home. He must be completely bolloxed tonight.”

When asked how he found the taste of the curry chips himself, O’Shea commented that they “tasted like shite,” but that he usually preferred his chips with gravy anyway.

When told of the possible incidence of ‘deadly’ curry chips at this late night convenient mobile food facility, the Food Safety Authority of Ireland (FSAI) announced that they had examined the business and were satisfied with levels of deadliness in the curry sauce, and that it posed no risk to consumers who were not already legless at the time of consumption.

“To be honest, it’s not the food hygiene standards you have to watch out for at these mobile food locations,” said an industry spokesperson, “it’s gettin’ fleeced by the man when you’ve asked for a two piece chicken and chips box and he charges you for a Dinner for Two snack box and you only get bleedin’ wings!”

Chip van owner, Ispitin Yorfood, declined to comment about the health and safety concerns of his business, but did allow our reporter to have extra curry on her chips, which tasted friggin’ awesome, so the matter has not been pursued.

Stevo’s apparent near-death experience from his curry chip meal may have been responsible for his absence from lectures over the following week. He was, however, found alive and well outside the chipper van on Monday following a two-for-one Jaeger Bomb night at a local student bar.

He was later seen throwing curry chips at a lame pigeon.

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